CHAPTER EIGHT

SETTLING QUARRELS IN HUMAN RELATIONS

Settle: according to Merriam Webster dictionary, settle is defined as to end (something such as an argument) by reaching an agreement; to make a final decision about (something). Settling comes from the word settle.

Quarrel: To quarrel is to fight but usually not physically. Quarreling is a fact of life occurring between best of friends, in the happiest of marriages and between parents and their children, communities and peer groups etc. in essence, quarrel entails disagreement in informal human relationship.

What is Settling Quarrels?

Settling Quarrel is an approach aimed at bringing two personal differences to a common ground. It is also to make a disagreement or argument reach an end without any external and internal force driven it.

Why Quarrels Occur

Human behaviour studies indicate that some quarrels are inevitable in human relationships. Often clashes occur more over perceived differences than real ones. People anticipate blocks to achieving their goals that may or may not be there. Quarrel occurs when:

1. There is A Lack of Communication: Failure to share ideas and feelings (between wife and husband for instance) allows the other person to “fill in the gap." We "read in" what we think the other person will say or anticipate how the other person will respond. Then, we often suspect negative things which provoke anxiety, leading us to look for the worst. If this continues, trust becomes lower and we may become suspicious and defensive.

2. There is Difference in Attitudes, Beliefs and Expectations: These differences may interfere in making decisions if we are inflexible and hold rigid, dogmatic beliefs about the "right way" to do things. Different values and beliefs predispose two people to choose different goals or different methods to achieve the same goals. And, since each goal requires an investment of time, effort and some sacrifice, we cannot pursue one goal without sacrificing the other t

3. There is A Lack of Effective Leadership Or Decision-Making: Lack of agreement about “who’s in charge" or "how we are going to get things done" in any situation can be a source of quarrel. For instance, if one parent in a family expects democratic decision-making (all members have input) and the other wants to be the boss (do it my way), they may not be able to resolve honest differences of opinion. Then when differences exist, they become sidetracked into a hassle over who will decide or whose opinion is going to be accepted as the "right" one. The resulting quarrel becomes a "win-lose" struggle.

4. There are Discrepancies in Role Performances: Difficulties can arise if two people see their own and each other’s roles differently. For instance, if the wife's concept of her role and the husband’s concept of her role are very different, quarrel may arise. But, if the man's role as a male and husband meshes well with the woman's role as a female and wife, quarrel will be minimal.

5. There is Low Efficiency: Being able to accomplish tasks and achieve goals is a necessary ingredient in any work or family environment. And, if the task is not done, we may get angry. If the other person responds to our anger by performing the task, a response pattern of anger is established in order to get results. Couples with low efficiency in their marriage may try nagging, making trade-offs (I'll do this if you do that), and criticizing, but these tend to produce only short-term success.

6. Change Causes Disequilibrium: While change is considered to be a "given" for people working and living together, another "given" is that people prefer secure, predictable patterned responses to the unknown. When changes occur abruptly and unpredictably, quarrel may follow (e.g. The wife comes home from her college class one night and says "I want a divorce."). Forces may have been at work for a long time to cause such a change, but it appears suddenly and provokes anger, anxiety and confusion.

7. Unresolved Prior Quarrel: As the number of past unresolved quarrels rises between people, so does the possibility of future ones. Many people shy away from quarrel management because memories of past quarrels still hurt. Probably the most lasting of those "scars" have been caused by quarrels with those we are closest to--family, close friends, trusted colleagues and in work groups.

How to Settle a Quarrel

A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party; there is no battle unless there are two.

At some point in our lives, most of us will have to deal with people we just don’t like or can’t seem to get along with. A clash of personalities is most likely at the root of this quarrel. Despite our best effort, we sometimes just can’t seem to make it work. The unfortunate result is that the quality and enjoyment of our work suffers, and stress levels rise. In most cases when personality quarrels happen in the work place, the entire team is disrupted as well.

Everybody gets into quarrels, may it be with parents, spouses, children etc. Here is a quick overview on how to end a quarrel safely.

Remain Calm: This is the biggest step. You never want a quarrel to turn into something abusive. Remember that raising your voice is different than yelling. If you get to the point where you are yelling, think to yourself that this could escalate to a dangerous point.

State your Point: Try to get your point across simply. Try not to use any attitude; otherwise, this could anger the other side. A big thing to remember is to try to not use guilt trips to try to "win" a fight. Get your point across in a clear, concise manner and try to explain to the other side how what they are doing makes you feel.

Listen to their Opinion: This step and the previous are interchangeable. A quarrel should be like a conversation, if the other starts first, don't interrupt. If you have questions or anything, don't interject, wait until they are finished. If you find yourself getting angry, remind yourself that you will be able to talk soon and get it all out. If you need to get it out soon, apologize and tell them the main point of what is bothering you.

Apologize: Make up, in other terms. Even if you think you are right no matter what, make sure you tell them you are sorry, because you are most likely to be at fault for something.

Cool off: Separate from the other for some time to reflect on what just happened. Usually during this time, both sides discover that they were fighting for something entirely unrelated to anything, and it was just a stupid fight. Regroup later and try not to dredge up the fight.

Managing Interpersonal Quarrels

Before we try to work through a quarrel with another person to achieve a more constructive outcome, there are five questions we must ask ourselves.

1.     Is the quarrel issue really worth the effort to resolve it?

2.     Is the other person in the quarrel really important to me?

3.     Will talking about the issue really improve our relationship?

4.     Am I willing to spend the necessary time and energy talking about the issue and helping the other person by listening?

5.     Have I chosen an appropriate time and place for this confrontation?

If the answer to each of these questions is YES, then proceed. If some answers are NO, you may need to choose a different method of expressing your concerns (e.g. sharing feelings only, without problem-solving).

Strategies for Dealing with Quarrels

Disagreement by itself is usually not the cause of antagonism, hostility and quarrel. More often, failure to listen and allow alternative views to be heard causes these feelings. There are five broad strategies people usually use in dealing with disagreement and quarrel. These are; power, compromise, withdraw-avoid, placate-yield, and synergy.

Power ("I Win, You Lose")

This process involves resolution through the use of power and winning by force or coercion. It may take the form of "pulling rank," brow-beating, or simply outmaneuvering the opposition. The distinguishing feature of the power strategy is that resolution of the problem is unrelated to the relative merits of arguments (e.g. "You will do what I say because I'm your father and no questions asked!"). If you prefer this style as your dominant strategy, you typically view quarrel as having two possible outcomes--winning or losing. If you win, your self-esteem or competence is enhanced. If you lose or are "wrong," this is a loss of status—you are incompetent or weak. The result is an aggressive, dogmatic, inflexible and unreasonable approach to quarrel management; one in which the goal is to overcome your adversary. Some families and work places use this style.

Compromise "I win (a little), you win (a little)"

Compromise is a negotiated resolution based on each person making some concessions to the other (e.g. "If you will give..., I will give..."). Within this style, however, the other person may still be seen as an opponent. Compromise is often seen as a means for making the solution more tolerable to each party. It is a persuasive and often manipulative quarrel management style in which both ends are frequently played against the middle in an attempt to serve the "common decent" (e.g. let’s all give a little for the "decent of the club"). On what issues are you willing to compromise?

Withdraw-avoid "I lose, you lose"

Hopelessness is the central feature of the withdraw and avoid strategy. It is designed to protect you from being caught up in endless struggles that cannot be won. An expectation of "losing" characterizes this style and, rather than undergo such frustration, you will psychologically, and perhaps physically, leave the quarrel. It is a refuge for persons who have unsuccessfully tried other styles and have decided to "roll with the punches." ("Those who quit and run away will live to fight another day.") But this strategy often results in compliance without commitment and feelings of frustration and resentment.

Placate-yield "I lose (a little), you win (a little)"

This placate-yield style reflects a concern for the effect of quarrel on the well-being and durability of all relationships you enter. The assumption is that human relationships are so fragile they cannot endure the trauma of working through genuine differences. So, the tendency is to avoid quarrel and appease others by ignoring, denying and avoiding quarrel. Should differences persist, giving in, placating and submitting yourself to another's goals (It's OK, you're right, we'll do it your way...") are seen as effective ways of self-protection and protecting your relationships with others. One-sided domination in the relationship is the likely outcome of this strategy.

Synergy "I win, you win"

As a dominant style for quarrel management, this synergistic approach attaches major importance to both the goals of the parties involved and to the well-being of the relationships. This is a "win-win" outcome and assumes that you and others will enthusiastically cooperate since the positive total effect is greater than what could be achieved by individual efforts. (e.g. If all of our family members will pull together, we can achieve our goals; if not, we may all be dissatisfied.) Tolerance for differences and recognition of the legitimacy of feelings are central to this strategy. Each individual must agree to abide by the rules of negotiation and agree to solve the quarrel constructively. Any "hidden agendas" are brought out in the open so they may be effectively dealt with.

Settling Quarrels among Partners (Couples)

Every couple experience disagreement. When handled with care, respect and comprehending, couples can resolve their differences in a positive way and learn more about each other. When not resolved properly, couples can quickly become isolated and driven apart.

Identifying Your Quarrel Style

Working out how you and your partner respond to quarrels can help you to comprehend how they develop.

Subtle Subversive: tends to avoid confrontation and often hints at problems through silence, nagging or whining. The problem is often the long build-up that develops before a quarrel breaks out.

High-Level Attacker: often vocal and dominating during a quarrel. They may have come from environments where quarrels were loud and frequent, and so see this style as normal.

Pre-Emptive Striker: dislikes blow-ups and try to avoid a full-scale battle by any means can be a sensitive and defensive personality.

Shock Absorber: afraid of quarrels, he/she refuses to engage in a row in any way at all. Beneath the surface can lie unvoiced resentment and bitterness.

Peace-Seeking Missive: dislikes quarrel and seeks to end a row as soon as possible. This can detract from focusing on resolving the cause of the disagreement.

When different styles collide, it can be difficult for a couple to interact effectively during a disagreement. The key thing to focus on is approaching the issue as the enemy, and seeing yourself as comrades in arms.

Here are some early warning signs that a quarrel is brewing:

1.       You avoid eye contact, physical affection and sex.

2.       You contract or question your partner on everything.

3.       You respond to attempts at conversation with short, curt replies.

4.       Your thoughts are focused on your partner’s negative qualities.

How to Control Your Anger

If you display some of these signs you should first acknowledge your feelings and pinpoint the emotions you’re feeling. Then try to identify the trigger and consider whether external circumstances are making you more sensitive.

Decide whether the issue really matters before raising it with your partner. If it’s not important, get back on track by reassuring yourself and using positive self-talk to calm your anger. Aim to reconnect with your partner using either physical touch or words.

 

Master the Art of Negotiation to Improve Communication

Conflict is often fueled by miscommunication. When couples start to argue, there’s often a focus on winning the fight, rather than resolving the issue. You need to listen to each other’s opinions and perspective without judgment. When asking questions, keep your tone and language relaxed and open. When you’ve identified the problem, it becomes easier to agree on a goal. There are a number of ways in which you can resolve your difficulties. Viz;

Compromise: Both parties agree to back down a bit. But this can be a limited way of solving a problem, with both partners making sacrifices but possibly without achieving an ultimate solution.

Collaboration: Couples focus on how to reach their goal by working together to find a new way of attaining a solution which works for both sides.

Exchange Deal: One partner agrees to the other’s wishes, but in turn makes a request which he or she feels is of equal value.

It’s a decent idea to set a review date when you can sit down and discuss whether the solution is working. This gives you an opportunity for you both to reassess how the changes have affected the problem, and whether further action needs to be taken.

References

Johnson, I., & Wilemon, 0. L. (1975). Conflict management in project life cycles. Sloan Management Review, 16(3), 31—50.

Posner, 8. (1986). What’s all the fighting about? Conflicts in project management. , 12(4), 81—90.

Macky K & Johnson G (2003). Managing human resources in New Zealand (2^nd ed) Mc Graw Hill Australia.

Nicholson N (1998). Encyclopedia Dictionary of Organizational Behaviour. Blackwell

Patrick J. (1996). Fundamentals of Human relations: Application for life and work.